S.A.D Its hard to be me.

I'm in my room, on my bed. I cried just now. Everything that i have kept inside me burst out of nowhere. I am secretive, very secretive... not all know my secret, not all now who i am, not all even know how i feel. But one thing that is not "secret" about me is my egoistic appearence.

I'm a loneranger since that accident i had when i was small. I've been feeling alone ever since. That is why i've been with countless of relationship and non of them worked or could even get rid of the loneliness i feel. Yea~ i'm one hell of a depressed women. No shit.. Well i just pray to god that my current relationship now will bring me happiness, instead of another 'stab in the heart'.

Having best friend doesn't suit me. Being friends with girls is an 'okay' for me, but when it gets toooo close, its a no-no for me. Because things won't work the way it plan. I'm not good at having a relationship with girls.. being long-term friends i mean. I find all girls are soooo "gedik".

Well it won't surprise you that i have lots of boy-friends. Because only them would i be comfortable at being myself. weird~

Everyday is the same day. Going to class is like going to a battlefield to my feelings. The students, lecturers, classmates and the others... i don't care about them, all i care is my future. But still, i really hate launch time!. Why won't all my classes end at 12p.m??!!

Parents are getting on my nerve. Obviously you do know how kids nowadays are sooooo dependent on their parents? well, my parents wants me to be independent, in which they did a really good job. Then, when i did a little mistake, sana la tiba2 suruh jgn kerja la wat la. Then fine, if you don't want me to work, then give me money to survive, in which you guys kedekut sgt mau bg. ya i know budget, Guess that you never felt what i feel here. I don't want to go back to kk. Bcz i do not want to sit around the house doing nothing. The pay here in kl for part timers are high, especially in where i work at. So i feel very comfortable staying here. When i graduate and have a stable permanent job, i'll take that car loan out from your hands and handle it. That's the only thing that they are doing for me. For my 'kesenangan' here.

Ada someone in your life pun, sometimes the loneliness rasa jgk. Jadi, mcm mn la nie? Of course i don't want to leave him. I love him for god sake! But still...hmmm... i really think that i need to take some time alone. Reduce the pressure in my life. If my family reads this, mesti they say like this.. "why should you feel pressured? you are not working." Ya obviously i'm not working. And obviously you all do not know that i am being pressured by all of you. Really need to throw this feelings that is being kept in me for quite some time. Soon it will hit me.

Anyway...
chow!